Even with streaming on both Netflix and Amazon we often are at a loss for something to watch. Many of the new movies are only for sale, not rent, for a long period of time. And we don’t like buying a pig in a poke.
So when “Jupiter Ascending” became available for rent we hopped on it. What a disappointment. From the trailer it looks like the movie makes sense. But they must have used clips from so far into the action that it doesn’t matter anymore. Believe me, if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the best of “Jupiter Ascending”.
To begin with the movie was too disjointed. It jumped from scene to scene, with so many different characters popping up and talking about who-knows-what, that it was hard to keep up with the who knows who, and where and what and when.
But we were committed — at least for the short run — so we concentrated on the main character, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who hates her life. And just so you know, I was not impressed with Kunis as Jupiter Jones.
According to the movie, Jupiter and her family clean houses for a living, getting up at an ungodly hour to get started on it all. One of their clients is an outrageously wealthy woman named Katharine Dunlevy. Katherine pops up on screen without a by-your-leave from anybody and nobody knows who the heck she is or how she fits in. Katharine and Jupiter start talking like they are roommates and best buds so the relationship is a bit obscure. A little introductory intro would have helped.
Okay. Let me see if I can get this right. The bad guy aliens are harvesting human earthling female eggs in order to determine who has at least a smidgen of DNA from interplanetary royalty. Somehow ascertaining that one Katharine Dunlevy possesses this rare and desirable commodity, they seek to harvest her eggs and then kill her. I think.
Unfortunately for the aliens, Jupiter Jones is in the next room and not only watches the whole thing go down, she grabs her handy dandy smart phone and snaps a picture. But, since Katharine Dunlevy pops back into earth time continuum so smoothly that her conversation is not even interrupted, only the picture on Jupiter’s phone proves the event ever happened.
For some reason that was never clear at the time, (I have since learned from Wikipedia that it was for cash so Jupiter could buy a telescope) Jupiter Jones goes to a clinic called “Harvesters” so they can harvest her eggs. It looks like a legit though bizarre enterprise, but we viewers know better, don’t we.
But then we find out that Jupiter Jones is using Katharine Dunlevy’s name, and that it is Jupiter’s blue-blood eggs that the aliens are so hot to put into their baskets. Clear as mud, right?
But as she is strapped to the table for the procedure, Jupiter changes her mind and starts struggling and screaming. Then, lo and behold, the doctors and nurses turn into the standard-looking, pale, thin, boney bunch of aliens with the heart-shaped heads and big eyes. Kinda like Lucy Liu.
Riding in on his — no, zooming in on his lighted boots comes the good guy who is an interplanetary whatever. And, of course, he doesn’t look like the little pale, boney minions. He looks like Channing Tatum. Oh. Wait. He is Channing Tatum. He plays the part of the hero, Caine Wise. Caine/Channing wears boots that help him surf the air and a shield that . . . well, shields . . . from alien laser guns.
Caine battles said intergalactic bad guys — who also do not look like the pale, boney aliens — while holding Jupiter Jones. And his shield. And his own laser gun. And dodging a laser firestorm. And returning fire.
The ship he has waiting in the stratosphere is blown to kingdom come by these bad guys who are really determined not to lose Jupiter or her eggs. So here he also dodges flaming missiles from the fallout. Ain’t this guy good, folks? Not only is he absurdly proficient, but did I mention he looks like Channing Tatum? He had to have been born with all his planets in alignment.
At this point, Mike and I look at each other with resignation and decide that watching the grass grow in the dark would be much finer entertainment. So try this dud of a movie if you want to, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Unless, of course, you girls just want an excuse to look at Channing Tatum. — Sayonara.